Hello, dear readers, it’s me, your favourite blogger back with another amazing script!! You see one day, yours truly and group of select friends( excluding one or two annoying ones) were fuming at the current status quo and were busy trying to figure out a way to channel our anger into a constructive activity( as advised by all yoga instructors). This drama is the outcome of that anger.
So sit back & enjoy, one of the Greatest satirical hits ever written,
Vodka, a Rap Song & Arnab
(CJI frozen with paper & coffee mug, Arnab sits on a chair with phone, KK stands next to a chair looking bored. CJI unfreezes)
CJI: (Reads paper. Sips coffee. SHOCK! Spits coffee out of his mouth, Freezes)
ARNAB: (Unfreezes. Scrolls through phone. SHOCK!) Sita wants to know, Preetha wants to know. Whyyyy?!?!
KK: (Unfreezes) Arrey yaar! Nothing nice on TV these days( scrolls through some channels, gets terrified on seeing Baba Ramdev). Ah! Baba Ramdev. Ooh Republic (SHOCK!) (Phone rings) Yeah, I saw. Now? Ok bye. (Runs out. Slips, falls down, comes back for her coat)
(KK sitting. Yawning. Noor bursts in)
NOOR: Nooo!! Why me! Why me?!! ( KK evil chuckle)
(Mallaya getting down from a plane. Arnab ready to attack.)
MALLAYA: (Gets down) Hi, I’m back!
ARNAB: (Attacks Mallaya) Sir. Sir. The nation wants to know how-
MALLAYA: (Shows palm. Wears sunglasses, show the go sign & walks out)
ARNAB: That was India’s most wanted ,Vijay Mallaya, God of debt, Celebrator of birthdays, Taker of loans who was arrested in a CBI raid. He will now be tried in what many are calling the trial of the century which will be presided over by the Chief Justice of India-Abhay Jain. Representing the prosecution is the Attorney General Kalarkayi “KK” Singh. On the defence we have India’s most infamous criminal justice lawyer Noor Ibsrahim. India wants to know what the fate will be of this man. #Mallaya is back.
(Court Scene-KK, Noor and Mallaya sitting. Arnab moves towards KK)
ARNAB: Madam! Madam! Are you feeling overconfident because of the fact that entire nation stands with you? The nation wants to know.
KK: No comment!
ARNAB: Madam! Madam! You must tell us. I am Arnab, not Rahul Gandhi! Don’t leave me unanswered because the nation wants to know… (KK points a threating finger at Arnab. Arnab retreats in fear) The Attorney General just shooed me away like a dog on the street. India wants to know when she will start anger management class! (turns to Noor)Ms. Noor, this is the hardest case of your career. Are you afraid of the fact that you’ll be mobbed if you walk out on the & streets?
NOOR: I’m sorry but everyone deserves the right to a fair trial. Even if they are the happiest of poodles to the saddest of Mallayas!
ARNAB: So, touching! (wipes tears) So touching. Thank you, madam! (goes and sits in the press area)
ANNOUNCER:ALL RISE FOR THE CHIEF JUSTICE OF INDIA. (All stand. CJI walks in looking into his google pixel 2 XL, trying to download the constitution of India app & distractedly motions for them to sit. Everyone begins chatter while the CJI absentmindedly bangs his mallet)
CJI: Order, Order, (finally looks up, sees that everyone is distracted, gets angry and repeats twice) Order I say, is this a court or a fish market? For 1 minute, I turned my back to check my WhatsApp status and this is what I come back to? Disgraceful. (calms himself) Now, Case no. 126- State vs. Vijay, I mean Mallaya may proceed. The Prosecution may present its case.
KK: Your honour, we the prosecution believe that Mr Mallaya is guilty for he knew that he was in debt and yet he threw a lavish 3-day party for his 60th birthday. We charge him on the grounds of money laundering, ill-treatment of his employees, defiance of International Court Orders and violation of Right against Exploitation. To prove my case, I have a petition signed by over 30,000 Kingfisher employees and another petition signed by 10,00,000 citizens. If you let this man go, then you’ll go against the very bedrock of the institution of democracy, in fact you’ll jeopardize this great organisation’s integrity for not abiding by the principle of ‘for the ppl, by the ppl and of the ppl’. Please don’t become a mixture of foolishness to this OPS of greed. With this I rest my case
CJI: Thank you, prosecution, now the defence may present its case.
NOOR: Your honour. 1. My client is the owner of Kingfisher Pvt Ltd which specializes in making alcohol. Therefore, he very generously samples all the bottles. You can’t blame him for his actions when he wasn’t sober! 2. People very kindly gave him money. He was bankrupt. They were giving a supply for his demand. 3. UK’s high court didn’t convict him. They let him free. 4. Our naïve Indian banks lent him money. They had no safety measures. They didn’t ask him to return it. They didn’t pressurise him. They just printed newspaper articles. This is like asking a mailman to deliver a vada! To conclude my opening statement, my client was inexperienced and had no assistance or guidance. So, he mustn’t be convicted for a mistake he didn’t commit.
CJI: The court now orders the accused, Mr Vijay Mallaya to take the stand to be cross examined.
(Mallaya walks in style. Swears on Gita and winks)
KK: Mr Mallaya, you were in debt yet somehow you managed to throw a 3-day party. We demand to know where you procured the money from.
MALLAYA: (Blinks. Breathes in heavily.) You see my aunt’s brothers’ father’s daughter’s father’s grandson’s fiancée’s lover got into helicopter scam, topper scam, Bihar scam, TV scam, murder scam, Mallaya scam-
NOOR: I object my lord. My client isn’t sober! (Objection denied says CJI)
MALLAYA: Don’t worry Ms Noor. Lawyer scam, Bofors scam, bank scam, sandwich (yawns) That’s how I got money.
KK: Ok, that made as much sense as Mallaya himself! Q2, Mr Mallaya, how did you manage to get money from the banks?
NOOR: Objection my lord, the prosecution is trying to lead the witness into spilling details that aren’t relevant to the case.
CJI: Objection sustained.
KK: The prosecution requires these details to prevent further misuse by Mr Mallaya and others like him. So, what do you say, Mr Mallaya?
MALLAYA: First, I bribed the bankers for the loans, then the executives, a dog, killed 3 men in a boat, pushed humpty dumpty, made him into an omelette and bribed the media.
(All this time, Arnab had been blabbering into his mike, but once the interrogation had started, his voice started to get louder & started to annoy the CJI)
ARNAB: (Unable to contain himself, shouts) Except me India, for I am a pure vegetarian!
CJI: (Very angrily) Mr Arnab, the nation wants to know when you’ll shut up! (Sighs angrily) We now request the defence to interrogate the accused.
NOOR: Mr Mallaya, are you sober?!?
MALLAYA: What is sober?
NOOR: (Sighs) Did you sample the Kingfisher beer again?! (Slaps forehead)
MALLAYA: Yeah, they tasted good!
NOOR: Your honour, once again my client is drunk, look your honour (waves in front of Mallaya). (No response!) So, the words he says cannot be taken as gospel.
MALLAYA: Golf ball aah?
CJI: (Gets Mad) Ms Noor, if you cannot control your client, then why did you bring him here? You are reducing the sanctity of this institution.
NOOR: I apologise your honour. No more questions. The defence rests.
CJI: The court will present its verdict in 30 min. Until then, we are in recess. Court is adjourned.
(MALLAYA: 30 minutes later. )
(KK is pacing down the hall, Arnab is blabbering into his mike, Noor is flipping through several books, Mallaya is asleep)
ANNOUNCER:THE COURT IS NOW IN SESSION. (Noor slaps Mallaya. He wakes up)
CJI: Now both sides may present their closing statements.
NOOR: Your honour, the fact that my client was able to bribe the banks says a lot about the system. So instead of catching this small, drunk, insignificant imbecile-
CJI: Watch your language.
NOOR: We request the ones who were bribed to be put on trial and my client declared innocent. He should also be paid compensation by the Govt. for troubling him like this. With this I rest my case.
KK: (starts rapping)After much consultation, we have come to a conclusion. Don’t let this man outside, he has soiled our nation’s pride like a glass of blender’s pride. He isn’t only guilty of exploiting his employees, he has infringed on the right to Constitutional Remedy (Everyone gasps, CJI begins to take down notes very quickly). The heart and soul of our constitution has been broken down by his consternation. Don’t let this man walk out free, he has violated the soul of the country. If you let him out, bankruptcy we will face, with this statement I rest my case.
(KK sits down and CJI clears his throat )
CJI: This has been a very unusual case. We have had a drunk man, a man with a mike who can be heard even when he’s on mute (looks at Arnab) and a rap song (Now at KK). In all my 1 year as CJI, this is the weirdest yet somehow the best case I’ve ever seen. It has been very difficult to come to a decision but somehow, I have. The Supreme Court hereby finds the accused- Mr Mallaya…GUILTY and sentences him to triple life imprisonment on the grounds on money laundering, exploitation and violation of the right to constitutional remedy. It also orders that all his possessions to be sold to the highest bidder in a state held auction. The proceeds will go to reimburse the banks. The court also orders the Central Govt. to completely overhaul the entire banking system with strict safety & mitigation measures in place. The Govt. must also prevent criminals from being able to leave the country like Mr Mallaya did. Court is adjourned. (As the crowd rejoices, Arnab and KK try to make the extremely drunk Mallaya understand that he’s headed to jail and not to Park Hyatt for a six- pack)
Introducing the cast-
Arnab was played by the hilarious P.Vikraman who sent our class into peals of laughter with his amazing acting. The uptight Noor Ibsrahim was played by Diya Nandakumar, an athlete par excellence who turned out be quite the actor in the end. The comical Mallaya was initially played by Abhishek Barathan who later dropped out at the last minute and sent us scrambling to find a replacement. That replacement came in the form of Sri Vishodhan , who despite being drafted at the last second, actually did an impressive job. The co-author of this play and the actor who played the no-nonsense ‘KK’ Singh was my extremely kooky and rap-song obsessed cousin, Smruthi Pradeep . Then there’s me, your awesome blogger who played, you guessed it, THE CJI OF INDIA with such skill, I was hailed as the next Gary Oldman(just kidding 😉 )
Hope you enjoyed this play and are excited for more. Until next time, fare thee well.
Disclaimer: I have full respect to Supreme Court of India and to all offices under our constitution. The above article is a piece of imagination. My intention was to have fun and not to hurt anyone’s reputation or sentiments. Hope everyone can read and laugh at this.